When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
