She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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