i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
