and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
