Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
