Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
