Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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