I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
