Don't make out with my wife yet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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