I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
