it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
