Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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