whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
