I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
