I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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