Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
