My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
