New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
