if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
