She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
