Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
