I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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