while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sext me about skeletons
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
