So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
