the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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