i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
