Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
