Who wears a wallet chain?!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
