Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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