I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
