So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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