I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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