Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
