I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
