Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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