I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
