When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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