it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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