Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
