I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
