Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
