Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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