I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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