Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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