this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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