Just fell off a train. Bad.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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