My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
