I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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