dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
