Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
