You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
