I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
