Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
