flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
