i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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